


Barriers (Breaking) (can you hear the crash)

by the_nature_of_roses_and_rocks



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: F/M, I like them, a resounding yes, but them?, wow am I late to the party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 09:54:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17660540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_nature_of_roses_and_rocks/pseuds/the_nature_of_roses_and_rocks
Summary: It should be noted that people/accomplices can be helpful but relationships are well known to fuck over the best laid plans. Kady is perfectly able to steal/lie/ruin things all on her own.





	Barriers (Breaking) (can you hear the crash)

Things Kady Orloff-Diaz Loves  
1\. Her mom  
2\. Herself  
3\. Brakebills 

She feels him first. Eyes on her back, insistent and controlled. (Kind too. It’s only later she realizes how kind he is.) They’re in class, the first day of Brakebills, and honestly? This should be the greatest day of her life. And it is, for the little girl who’s grown up on the desperate, hedge-witch, outskirts of magic her whole life. It’s a dream come true for the child who always hoped that spells would someday be plentiful, instead of fighting over the scraps. But this? The new Kady, the harder, older (not scarier, she’s always been scary-capable), can’t access the sparkle. She’s newly indebted, trapped into a betrayal of every former aspiration, by her MOTHER and the evil, evil witch who officially controls both of them. (Kady promised herself, at 5 after her mom’s most recent disaster of a relationship went down in flames, that she would never, ever, ever, ever allow herself to be trapped.) The newly clear-sighted girl can’t shake the feeling that this is a nightmare – the bastardization of everything she’s ever held sacred. Anyway, it's his eyes first. Next is his face, then his voice, soon her hand is pushing back against the ceiling of his dorm room. They can’t float away yet. (she’s been a little bit cold all her life, but he is warm and attentive. The ice leaves her system, momentarily.)

(It should be noted that people/accomplices can be helpful but relationships are well known to fuck over the best laid plans. Kady is perfectly able to steal/lie/ruin things all on her own. Sure, he looked useful, but she is too smart to miss the potential, the danger. She smiles at him anyway, lets the fly into the messy, horrible web that is her life. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t care yet. Maybe it’s because after only 5 minutes in the same room she’ll never be happy without him again.) 

He tries to leave, after the Beast attacks. She grabs his hand, goads him into staying because that’s the only way she knows how. She doesn’t really understand, doesn’t know why this boy walking out of her life would be so bad, but he turns away again and something twists in her gut. When he agrees to stick around there’s a moment of pure peace before the rest of the world comes crashing back around her. 

Later, they’re in bed, satisfaction curling up her spine. Penny’s brooding, something’s unnecessarily weighing him down and so she asks. (because that’s what good people do, right?) He tells her about the tattoo, the struggle with his abilities and for a moment Kady is speechless. She’s been running her whole life, away from dangers, toward potential safety, unable to get very far in either direction. Here’s someone who can go literal WORLDS away in the blink of an eye . . . and he wants to get rid of it? For a moment she can’t fathom this choice, but maybe a loss of control is still a loss, whether it’s keeping you stuck to the ground or forcing you to float away. And he could be useful! A getaway car. But he can’t Travel other people so maybe Kady just thinks that cutting off a part of this strange wonderful man would be a crime. Maybe she just cares. (and maybe he tastes like freedom, maybe everything is lighter when they’re fully entangled in each other and maybe this moment is the one that shouldn’t end.)

But she doesn’t love people. She doesn’t have time or room because she’s focused on freedom and other people aren’t supposed to give that out. This is her mantra, her safety net. Kady will not repeat her mother’s mistakes. She will not give everything up for someone who could, quite possibly, vanish in the blink of an eye. (Years later she’ll know that Penny had enough freedom to share) 

Her wards are high. They are proud and mighty and unfailing. Don’t let anyone in, no one can hurt you. it’s an easy, hard won rule to live by. 

When he gets the tattoo, finally, it’s by her hand. Mostly it’s out of convenience, he’s there, so is she, but Kady learned a long time ago that no one gets to fuck with people you care about except you and at least this way she knows what’s going on to this person’s body. (who she maybe, maybe cares about) And it might be worth something? Freedom matters, but safety does too and she’s really rather Penny doesn’t Travel himself into a volcano. But. Then. He starts asking about her FAMILY and it’s one more lie on the blazing fire of dishonesty she’s built around herself. The lie slides off her tongue easily, dead mom, pothead dad. None of it’s true, but he smiles and believes her. (He always believes her. He shouldn’t. She doesn’t want him to stop.) He likes this version of her and she likes his smile. Kady leans further into his comfortingly solid presence, and relaxes. (He likes the real version more. This secret is whispered into her shoulder, months later, in the early morning.)

Then, OF COURSE, because that’s the way her life is, her real, totally alive mom comes back. Kady is sunk 1000 miles deep into the inescapable horror that is her life because yeah, yeah, yeah of course she loves her mom but also every single bad thing that’s ever happened to her is because of that woman and Kady will do what needs to be done but caring HURTS and she’s busy right now anyway. All she wants to do is tell Penny, spill everything out in front of him and let his gentle hands understand and rearrange the mess that is her life into something better, fathomable. He’d be good at that, she thinks, he’s good at me. 

And somehow she and Penny are staring at each other, completely naked (the least fun she’s ever had without clothes on) and he’s talking about FEELINGS and love and she wants to run into his arms, thank him for being “nice to her” because she is so, so grateful but everything good in her life is twisted so why would this be. There’s no reason the one healthy relationship she’s ever had shouldn’t be ruined completely by simple virtue of the fact that it is hers. This is a moment of truth and she is trapped by a million different barriers so all she can do is spit out the words “I was using you” and watch him crumple. It must be the truth, because the ropes fall. (She should consider that something can be true at one point and change later. That this brutal sentiment may have been honest, months ago, but now she wants to slide underneath his arms and the warmth of his gaze. She could’ve, should’ve said all the other things. the “I think I love you too” or “I’ve never been this happy” or “please, please never leave” but she says the WORST possible thing because why would anything start working out for her now.)

His eyes again. Boring into her head, her mind, her soul if that still exists. Reading her, processing the winding horror show that is her life. (But Kady is brave. She has to be and that means intentionally dropping her wards, before someone else rips them down. It’s the only way she can think to apologize.) She can see him think, she knows his expressions well enough by now, and when she’s pushed into the realization that her mom might not be the only person she loves anymore, it feels like coming home. (Because that’s what Penny can do. Light up even this frozen torture chamber masquerading as an educational endeavor. Make her feel safe, even here.) She places a hand just under his ribs and his lips meet hers and she can’t help but think that, with understanding like this, maybe everything could be ok.)

It’s not, not this time. She flees, because there is no other choice and she is TRAPPED and maybe lifting wards just lets all the bad stuff in too. (It doesn’t. She clings to that moment, the glow of being seen for months. When she’s grieving her mother, when she’s following Julia around because there isn’t another option, when everything gets worse and worse and she’s living high to high Kady imagines him with her. She’s not alone, she was loved. It’s looking very possible that the whole world is just BAD, but there were good moments along the way. She counts herself lucky and cries herself into something like sleep.)

This happens again. And again. They find their way back to each other, always, eventually. Crossing the ends of the earth, into different worlds, sacrificing and surviving and being together. Things get worse and worse, the calamities pile on, until one day it doesn’t. There’s a moment when the world (as pertains to Kady and the people she officially calls her friends) lets up. Gets easier. It’s a slow, arduous process, but everyone finds their feet and kind of just . . . gets on with their lives. Better is a new concept, but the magicians can’t bring themselves to hate it. 

It’s snowing. Big fat white fluffy flakes trail their way down and settle in Kady’s curls. Penny smiles, walking over to the person he loves most in the world, who he knows the most. She shakes her head, spraying him with water droplets and he ducks away, laughing. She leans into him, sharing warmth and relaxes. It’s too fucking picturesque, but she can’t bring herself to be anything other than happy. And grateful, she’s really, really grateful. Things didn’t have to end like this, and this isn’t even an ending. There will be another day tomorrow, and tomorrow, and good stuff and bad stuff, it’s all gonna happen. But here? Now? This is nice. He leans to kiss her forehead but she pops up, catching his mouth with hers. It’s going to be a good day. 

Things Kady Orloff-Diaz Loves   
1\. Penny  
2\. Herself  
3\. Their cat, a giant black and white fluffy monster   
4\. A million other things. She’s learning about the infinite nature of love.


End file.
